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Jon
- Whos the dude
- But Dolphins have sharp teeth
- I can't hold my breath that long.
Dave Foley Quotes
"I can say that the character who most closely resembles me is Jocelyn the French-Canadian prostitute.
Let's face it: I'm one sexy bitch!"
"I figured how far can you coast on charm? Well, pretty far, actually!"
"Look at this! Urine. Another man's urine. I ask for it, and they give it to me!"
"My blood has an odour. That can't be good."
"I've got you rash cream, Master!"
"Owa tana siam. Faster. FASTER!"
"You're a filthy liar mummy!"
"You want me to give you a quarter to masterbate in front of my child."
"It's still too early to tell, but I may not be stupid."
"Well, I think our leader is some twisted ass freak."
No, my name Julio. Julio the bus driver! AY AY!!"
"I am Hecubus, and I am an alcoholic!"
"I'm the guy with the good attitude towards menstruation."
"Kevin, we seem to be losing the audience, come and show them your bum."
"No, I don't know either languages, I just learned the right lines for the show. I'm an idiot, but
thanks for bringing it up."
"I wouldn't know a good question if it was stuffed down my throat and pulled out my ass."
"It's hard to say, you see, I'm always weak in the knees, most of my joints are pretty weak too. Overall,
I'd say I'm kinda feeble."
"SING YOU PRICKS!!"
"Wow, so she's screwing everbody, eh?"
"Well, it's been great running into you, go away now."
"Don't ever use that language again, or I'll wash your mouth out with soup!"
"Someone has captured sexboy!"
"Well, isn't it a pleasure to meet you Derek. Oh, you're not bothering me. There's nothing I would
rather do, then sit here and chat with you. I'm not being sarcastic. No!!! This is just a little speech impediment. I can't
help. No, no, it's true. I've talked this way all my life. Wait. Where are you going? I really want to be your friend! I'm
so lonely."
"I want a period! Just one a month!"
"Excuse me...Listen...if you are insinuating that I am a spy...or that any member of my family is
a spy...then you're way off base! Look, just because we're Canadian does NOT mean we are spies!"
"Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true...then I still don't care."
"No, actually I'm Canadian. That's like American but without a gun."
"Andy thought it was a good idea to show Donnie and Marie his ass."
"Damn joggers! They think they own these paths."
"Oh, son! Son, how many girls called you today? Zero? And how many called you yesterday? Lemme guess,
zero? Well, you know what they say, son. Zero plus zero equals FAG! Zero times any other number always equals FAG! Think about
it, ya little mathematician."
"Gonna use that spell checker from now on?"
"Son! son, wake up! Wake up! It's midnight Christmas Eve and I just wanted to say thank you, son I
don't deserve this, son. I don't deserve anything to be honest with you. What the hell is this? Tap shoes? I don't dance...I
can't dance, ya little bastard!"
"Need a lift, chubby?"
"Well, jump on in fatso. So where you headed lumpy? Where's a great fat thing like you off to?"
"Soo...what's a big lump of lard doing in Kitchener? I mean what's a town like Kitchener have to offer
a wide-ass two ton hunk of humanity, like yourself? Cuz, you know, it's a small town; you sure you'll fit? So I gotta ask,
why Kitchener, 'hmm, you walkin' talkin' sebaceous gland?"
"Ooo. So, the family fat's having a fat family reunion, huh? A whole flabby clan gathered together
in the front yard playin' lawn darts on wobblt thighs. Is that the idea? Am I paintin' an accurate portrait of this spectacle?
Huh? Oh my God there's an elephant in the car!"
"Rogue elephant! Rogue elephant! Save the children. Oh, it's just you. Oh boy am I hungry. You know,
I haven't had anything to eat in about, uh an hour. You ever done that? You ever gone a whole hour without eating? Guess not,
not a man of your remarkable girth. Boy, are you fat!"
"Get the hell out of my car, fatso! C'mon drag your cavernous stretch marks out of my car."
"Yeah, go shout it from the mountain! Wait a minute! You are the mountain! God I hate fat people.
I hate what it says about there personality. Why, would you look at that truck. Hey! Why don't you get that fat thing off
the road, ya fat bastard! Jeez."
"Terrific. Now suppose, all day long, all I did was eat chicken salad sandwiches, and at the completion
of each sandwich, I phoned you and told you about it. Wouldn't you start to get bored?"
"Yeah, yeah, I guess I could take him. I guess I could beat up my father. Course, he's seventy."
"Ah. I guess I'd wait till he was in the den. Yeah, wait till he's in the den watching 'Alf' eating
off the TV tray wearing those slippers. And then I, and then I'd blind him with salt, bash him with the channel changer and,
and then I'd take down that bid marlin over the bar. You know that stuffed marlin I've been staring at all my life. I'd take
that baby down and, well, no more 'Alf' today daddy."
"Bonjour mon amour. Je suis tres horny ce soir! Call me if you want a hot time with a hot Quebecois
stud lover!"
"Ooh, I like your frocefelt tone. You are so how you say in Anglais...Butch."
"COME BACK HERE YOU BITCHES!!"
"I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and I missed it."
"...I've smoked pot...I've tried heroin...In fact I'm trying to cut down the number of times I try
heroin in a day."
"Welcome to the darkness pit."
"No, I think it's a retarded game that requires no skill."
"I'm just not good with small talk, ya prick!"
"Guess what, son? You know that puppy that you've been wanting for a long time? Well, I bought you
one today on the way home from work. But I got so hungry that I *ate* it! Don't cry, I'm just jokin'. I would never buy you
a puppy."
Bruce McCulloch Quotes
I'm nutty bunny number one. I like to frolic in the sun."
"I wanted my check three hours ago! And what are you laughing at?"
"You're not listening!!!!"
"Just because I don't vote. Just because I don't gloat. Just 'cause I have no fur coat, like Ronny
Hawkins. Doesn't mean I'm not happy."
"Just because i don't live in a placial home. Just because I don't own a car with a car phone. Just
because I don't have bars of gold under my fouton. Doesn't mean I'm not happy."
"And on your birthday only your mother calls. She says hap, happy, happy birthday pumpkin, I won't
talk long, I bet there's someone in your bed."
"She's a. She's a. She's a. She's a. She's a. She's a. She's a. She's a. Heroin pig!"
"Hey you're not a plate of croissants."
"I broke my hand on a pineapple, didn't even care."
"Everybody's got a job to do. Everybody's got to move and grove."
"Mr bus driver!"
"Can you get worms from arresting a guy?"
"I loved you! I can get anyone you know! I'm beautiful!!"
"What are you laughing at moon?"
"Life is sad, when you wear sweatpants and a raincoat."
"Don't look at me!"
"Yeah, soak it up, you ugly sponge."
"Jazz schmazz."
"I invented a drug to give worms to your ex-girlfriends."
"I know it's hard when you're fat and alone."
"Uh, ya lost me."
"The only reason I ever licked you baby was the salt."
"Our love is like licking the ass of a dead squirrel that's laying bloated in the sun, but also...there's
a negative side?"
"It's clear to me now, our love is like Santa Claus. The only ones who will believe in it are small
children who don't understand how the world really works."
"Our love is like having sex with a dwarf when you're drunk. Oh it's great at the time, but when you
think about it the next day at work, you feel shame and guilt, and an array of sadness."
"Our love...and I mean this in a nice way...is like taking KLassie to the dessert, removing her teeth
with a hunting knife; and shooting her in the head with a gun that you and she made together."
"Is there a fairy? A drunk dad fairy...that tip-toes in, takes the TV changer out of his hand, puts
a blanket around his shoulders, lifts his head off his chest, so his neck won't be sore tomorrow when the luiquor leaves him
for a time? Is there a drunk dad fairy? That pays for the Chinese food?!!"
"'Fabio's on board, he's eating a small package of salted peanuts...I wish he would eat me!'...and
those were the guys. It is a Fabio world, but you know what? It's also a Brucio world."
"Mix, mix, stir, stir. I married young it's all a blur."
"Mix, mix, stir, stir. Him, him, her, her."
"I wish I had tits like that."
"Well, I'll check your horoscope and find a day when I can call you."
"Great! I had to pick today to go bald! I knew it would happen."
"Don't you ever laugh at my car! Not a word."
"Life's a pretty sweet fruit."
"No rest for the wicked."
"I eat. I do. I pick. I nimble. Under stress I have a little food."
"WOULD YOU GET OUT!? I DON'T HAVE ANY STRAWS!"
"COME BACK THEN! IF YOU'RE SO BIG! IF YOU'RE SO BIG!"
"Well, Fran, have you made him into a fag yet?" 'I'm sorry 'Ms.' Iverson. I just can't fit my lunch
break into the tight parameters you set. To me a lunch hour isn't an hour -it's a state of mind. I'm sorry if it's welfare
check day and they'll be hobbling in in groves. Don't blame me for *having* a job, why don't you blame some of the people
who can't hold down jobs but take cabs all the time anyway?' I look at Ms. Manythroats and it's like,'Who would fuck
you?' She should be bisexual. It would increase her chances. But someday I'll go crazy. I'll eat pancakes on her grave! Forget
my diet! Screw the bank I work for, screw the bank! I'll be quitting soon. Screw the bank."
"I'd drop from a tree. It's so obvious I'd have to get the jump on old Ian. I'd sleep in the tree,
and then I'd wait till he was going to work, and then I'd just fall. And then I'd pick up some of his lawn and club him with
it. I'd club him with his own lawn! And, and as he stood there with his corduroy pants wiggling like legs of a sick insect
I'd take the chip off my shoulder and shove it down his throat."
"I have to go before I start crying."
"I'm sorry I ate so much of your cookie."
"And the nude is almost ready."
"Each day that you rollerblade is your Valentines day-ay."
"I think of all the people who have fouled me, therefore shall die."
"I did all my hash in grade seven. Thought I was gonna say ten, didn't ya? Uh uh. The thing I hate
about hash, apart from the revolting taste, was the way it made your eyes stare inside your tiny little body."
"Because you are the one. You are the unspoiled virgin bride. You are the blond canvas on which I
paint my future. Don't you remember? You smiled at me in a croissantene. We never spoke; we didn't have to. You chose me.
Now I stand outside your window waiting. I stand there when you go to sleep I become calm. I can fel my heartbeat slow down,
and beat...just...like...yours."
"Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. I gotta stop you and your revolutionaries from taking over this country."
"Each day is a gift."
"Respectfully though, shut the fuck up!"
"Well then, will you get me something to eat before I chew my fucking hand off."
"Dick's going down! Dick's going down!" Cuz if you're fat, you'll end up living in a trailor park,
gossiping, and craving country and western music."
"No, I'm not always blabbing. Why don't you just shut up, alright?"
"Nobody's looking, nobody can hear me. WHAT do I care anyways?"
"I went crazy, I put cheese in my coffee"
"Well, that was after I called Mcneil a buttock smoocher."
"Soup in a bag, Fran? Soup in a bag? A man works all morning, and he's subject to soup in a bag?"
"In England they only have one spoon."
Kevin McDonald
"I'm going to get a picture of that bear or deer by the lake for the girls."
"Can I have some tea please?"
"I'm nutty bunny number three. The cutest one is always me."
"Junk mail saved my life!" Junk mail saved my life!"
"To look into my face is to look into the face of evil."
"You're hopeless. You're pathetic. You're the worst straight man I've ever seen! I quit! I should
have never saved you from those seals"
"I don't have them Mister Lister!"
"I just looked in my water dish. You turned me into a freak!"
"Hey look! It's the flying pig!"
"Hi, I'm Kevin McDonald from the Kids In The Hall. Also known as the Kid in the Hall we don't like."
"Bastard!"
"Screw you! And screw your friend!"
"Well, screw you!"
"Oh baby!"
"I'm a repairman, in an imperfect world."
"Yeah, you're daddy's dead, he was hit by a lamp."
"I love him."
"Where are you pricks from?"
"Jerry! Get out of that box before that bird pecks your eyes out!"
"Jerry, you're frightening me!"
"I'm your sister, dammit!"
"Oh!!"
"You need a mortician. You need a mortician! YOU NEED A MORTICIAN!!!"
"I'm a lady's man!"
"I'm more of scientist than a wiggler."
"I wouldn't want to get any dilt on your floot."
"No thank youp."
"Belle Biv Divo. Belle Biv Divo."
"It's comfy."
"You don't like us."
"Fritz, is that you dog Fritz? Fritz! Don't you have a license for zhat dog Fritz? Fritz, you cold
unfriendly bastard! Sig Heil."
"Scootie, yur bruther Lyle's in a wee bit o' truble. Scootie put down that book! Scootie, wake up
ya cheap druken bastard! Ha-kah."
"Ma name is Marcel. I am frum Paree!"
"Bonjour. A bienvenue au spectacle! Ah! Spaghetti!! La, la, la,.....Zut alors!!"
"Allo? Allo? {sighs} Pas de personne."
"Je ne retournai jamais au restaurant encore."
"I, however, will answer all your questions. I have lots and lots of time. So, please any questions
you...do...You're the one that can see me? Fucking Kids in the Hall. 'Join the troop. Join the troop'"
"Yee-hah! Walking talking stereotypes! YEE-HAH!"
"Got ourselves, a purty little faggot."
"Guess so."
"Will you guys stop talking about roller-blading?"
"Well, I'll let you in on a little secret, yes!"
"I'm not fat! I used to be fat, but I lost sixty pounds. That's why I'm leaving this town. I'm tired
of being known as the 'fat guy'. I'm gonna start a new life, at a new weight, in a new town. I'm not fat! I'm never gonna
be fat again."
"Oh, I'm sorry if my death and rebirth story bored you. Perhaps, if I had some tits in my story you
would be more interested."
"Well, I never thought I'd hear this from you. My best friend bored of all my deaths. They don't seem
to be bored everytime I'm on the Arsenio Hall show, but you don't want to hear about it."
"I wouldn't be bored, I'd be concerned. I'd be concerned about your cholesterol level."
"I can't believe you're acquainting my returning from the dead with chicken salad sandwiches! What
is this freaky obsesion you have with chicken salad anyway? It's beginning to scare me."
"Yes, I'm dead again. Now this is neat."
"Come on, this doesn't impress you? I've never been a ghost before."
"I'd let him beat me up. Oh, then I'd let the guilt tear him apart."
"I'd get my mom to do it."
"Tonight we dive into the diseased human mind. Join me the grey matter is warm."
"Within each of us are several personalities. For example are we the same person talking to our parents
as we are when we haggle with a prostitute?"
"Danny, I'm killing my eyes."
"Kill Danny."
"So says you."
"I'm not gay. Then again, I didn't use to like asparagus."
"Oh the spinkler, oh the water, oh the fire, oh my hip!"
"Where were our heads?!"
"Here's thirty-three cents for Mr. Funny!"
"DO ME!!"
"The beardstays, you go!"
"Stop it! Stop it! I'll kill you with my own stump."
"He tried to come on to me."
"Oh my God! She's really close to Mr. Bilbo."
"Now we're cookin' with evil gas."
"Good evening...and welcome to the pit of pen-ultimate darkness. Apparently there's a pit slightly
darker than ours."
"You're not getting dollar one, you ugly man!"
"Hey, I'm a Canadian Street Pimp!"
"Well, you know, it started off innocently enough...flattery. I would complement the jacket I was
wearing, or say 'nice cologne' to myself. But soon after that I'd be at the water cooler and, uh, I would start to play with
my hair. Oh, I'd try to laugh it off, pretend that nothing was happening, but that semmed only to encourage me."
"No, sweet Jesus, i wish it did. I would, uh, rub against myself on elevators, stare down my top using
a mirror, and always, always the suggestive comments. then one day, I was in the washroom and-*to my horror*-I found that
I was fondling myself."
"I want me! I hate me! I want me! I hate me! I want me!"
"Evil, still evil after all those years, hecubus the evil one."
"Tony Henderson, you've been made a fool by the forces of darkness."
"Tony Henderson, please stop giggling, now you are a chicken!"
Mark McKinney Quotes:
"And now they are getting married, and I'm still single!! What's wrong with me?"
"Of course I get drunk, my brain is only the size of a walnut."
"I'm nutty bunny number two. I love me and I love you."
"Momsy did you like the joke I played?"
"The joke newspaper, it says Canada abandons the monarchy."
"Uh, oh. Joke go poof!"
"When are you going to get the big table in here, or am I going to have to cut down the fucking tree
myself?"
"Hey! Look at me! I'm an elephant rider!"
"We like to keep our town clean."
"They said the experience left him scarred, scarred for life!!"
"Dear Dave, you're so hunky-wunky, cutie-putie, lovey-dovey, sexy-wexy and you're my fave! Keep up
the good work."
"What? No one wants my bouquet! Somebody better pick it up! Somebody better pick up my bouquet!!"
"Oh, and Scott, get Mark to play me. He's the most talented one anyway."
"There are three things I don't like. Crazy kids, crazy cars and birds. The first two I avoid, the
last I eat. Oh. me, i'm a cat."
"Life is short, life is shit and soon it will be over."
"Hah, hah, hah!"
"I wanna be a dyke."
"I'm a little thirsty, can i go drink out of your toilet?"
"He's a farter! He's a farting machine!"
"An empty desk is a sad desk."
"Then I remember thinking,'Well, screw you'".
"I don't like liquers!"
"Hi, I'm Nina Bedford. Do you like my outfit?"
"This is scene was written in haste."
"No, but I'd like to meet him because my friend, the bearded lady, says that he's called Big Bird
because he's got a big..."
"Come here I want to put it your undies."
"What are you having your period?"
"Do you want to step outside?"
"The computer is almost programmed."
"A videocassette?"
"I'm almost too scared to watch it."
"I'm rooting for you, 'cuz you pissed me off."
"Hello mate, me and the lads were watching the telly the other night and we saw this bloke with this
smashing bird 'n we thought, 'Oh cor blimey. He's a lucky duck, id'nt he?'"
"Scuse me...can you tell me where the crab shampoo is?"
"Ya know, crab shampoo, for my crabs. I...I...I...got crabs in my pubic hair."
"You know, he's had the biggest crush on you."
"Ah, good! See, I, uh, I'm not from around here. I'm from 'Merica. So, I'm not familiar with the crab
section in these here Candian drug stores."
"Hey! No, no, no come on, ya got anythin' uh, bigger? I mean I'm talkin' *crabs* son; there must be
a million of them suckers squirmin' around down there. Hey...ya know a funny thing is...crabs...they actually look like crabs.
I noticed that last night as I was examin' them under my magnifyin' glass. Isn't that funny?!"
"GOD *Damn, they're itchy!!* Hey...you got a back scratcher or somethin'? Do you have those kinda
things up here in Canada?"
"Oh...thank ya! Alright now, let's see... Now this oughtta work, I mean I know this'd kill these American
crabs, but these Canadian crabs are *tenacious* little mothers!"
"Yeah, okay, is there anywhere I can try this thing out? Like a changin' room or somethin'? Do you
have those kinda things up here in Canada?"
"Okay. Guess I'll hafta take my chances. Now, I don't want you thinkin' I got crabs all the time...but
sometimes, I get all horned up and forget to put on my little rubber friend! Y'understand that?"
"Okay...I just wanna say that you Canadians got a beautiful country down here! 'cept for that little
crab problem! Hyuk, Hyuk! Thanks again! Hey there, little darlin'! You wanna step out sometime?"
"*D-UH!!* That's why I got the crab shampoo! To get rid of 'em. Look, tell ya what! You give me half
an hour and come up to my hotel room. I'll be clean as a whistle!! Hey!! Bet I kiss better than your daddy!!"
"I ain't apologizing to no car."
"Moron, moron! Not going nowhere is a double negative!! That means you're going somewhere!"
"Yeah, I wish my girlfriend had tits like that."
"You can't fire me, I'm from France."
"Oh yes, everyone is so flammable."
"Two stops after I got on, these two unbelievable short people got on, and the way they were looking
at me, I could tell. They wanted to bite my ankles!"
"It is so cold out there, my head nearly fell off."
"I'm updating my resume! I'm updating my resume!"
"I'm crushing you head!"
"You don't go dancing in the day. You don't go golfing in the night."
"Thank God I'm not a diabetic!"
"And...then with a crack that split the night, he put on his glasses, and headed north to track down
the elusive all-night bus."
"So sue me! My mother is!"
"Drunk, at a wedding. Ask him to dance. Get him on the dance floor and then POW! Stay down, please
sir!"
"Drunk at a wedding. ASk him to dance. Get himout of the dance floor and then POW! I love you daddy."
"Why thank you, it's a very sexist film, yeah."
"Listen. Even the dogs are panting with passion."
"The world must come to God, yeah."
"The computer is almost programmed."
"Dear Mark, I thought I was alone, until I saw you on TV. Having no sex appeal must be hard for you
too. I'm curious, how do you live? How do you love? Please work your answer into a monologue, as I don't want to sign my real
name. Thanks. P.S. Please don't kill yourself."
"What that's too outrageous to say what you're saying."
"Then my uncle would give off the smell of freshly baked bread which I love."
"Hell, both of you stop it! Don't you guys remember what happened the last time?"
"Morning, Mr. Mayor. I thought you weren't comin' back until Tuesday. That's what I thought, 'cuz
that's what I heard, yeah."
"You are scum."
"Ow, my fucking finger."
"We beat PENICILLAN!!!"
"Ne vous allez pas au media. Don't go to the nedia."
"I don't like the world now."
"Who controls the oil companies?...Satan!"
"He paused and said,'I'm shark, I eat, what can i do?' and then he cut me in half!!"
"Walk erect much?"
"Well, my nephew's seven, he's quite a tiger as I found out."
"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!"
"I fell down while making some toast."
"Fuckin bike couriers man, fuckin bike couriers."
"And because you were sneezing at the time of the murder, I find you not guilty."
"Mr. underwood, when I come across men like you, I can hardly contain the vomit that is rising in
my throat."
Scott Thompson Quote;
Apparently, the purple-clad gender bending rock star Prince, is not really a prince at all. Just
some guy from Minnesota. What a liar!"
"Hey, that man stole my oranges!"
"I want sausages! SAUSAGES!!!!"
"Don't put salt in your eyes."
"I got cardboard bum from sleeping on cardboard."
"No, I'm the guy who shaved his privates."
"'Go be screwed officer', copper say 'pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, ai. Pow, pow, pow,
pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, ai. Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!'"
"Damn them all!"
"I used to be straight, but now I'm gay, I think the drug made me this way."
"I'm not a complete slut!"
"I think I've lost interest in muffins."
"Oh, mom, by the way, I'm becoming an Indian woman."
"Okay, what's up your butt?"
"It's my third eye. It's to see inside myself."
"Ever since I was young, I knew one thing, I like to wear sheets."
"I have to go plant the sheep."
"Enough of this jubdawubdadubda."
"I want drink, and you have key to mini bar!"
"Hey alligator, don't eat Bruno ah!"
"Try it now. Try it now. TRY IT NOW!!!"
"WHAT!!!!!!!"
"I hope they beat him. I do."
"Mom, Dad told me this teddy bears' picnic story that sounds like utter bullshit to me."
"Take those rubber boobs off your feet."
"No thank youp."
"That's not really my daughter, that's my wofe."
"Take a sit in my favorite chain."
"It's like you don't know whether it's a shit or a fart, but you let 'er rip anyway."
"So, I have to pee in the sink."
"You were supposed to wait until I was out of the area!"
"Well, Brian, we did your stupid sketch."
"I've never seen you look sexier."
"She pretends not to understand me. So I hit her. She overreacts. Dies. You know, Europeans."
"Everytime I come to this city, some guy picks me up at the bus station, takes me to a Leaf game,
gets me pissed, then tries to do me. Why can't people like me for me?"
"Beat up my father? Are you kidding!"
"So, come on faggos, let's sing! Everybody! Come on all you faggos!"
"Always put salt in your eyes." No, I'm really tired. I'm just going to stay in, watch TV, smoke a
joint."
"Well, a lot of people think I'm in the movies too. But porn eh?"
"What! What? Six eggs?"
"555-JERK? Oh, I get it."
"My goal is not to shock and horrify, but to tell the truth. And if the truth shocks and horrifies,
well...maybe you should get out more."
"M*A*S*H,
This show isn't
M*A*S*H
Yet it is a smash!
So sit back and enjoy
Buddy and
his toy
Cornygirl Cornygirl Cornygirl Cornygirl!"
"You obviuosly haven't read my book!"
"Things happen quickly in Buddy Babylon. Fine! I'll write you out of this chapter. Ther will
be no reincorporation for you!"
"You're a heartbreaker, Ralph! You've ruined me for other people. I just want you to know that. And,
I had a really good time."
"Would you turn off those goddamn Indigo Girls? If I have to listen to one more lesbian lament about
lost love, I'm getting out of this car and walking to the nearest gay bar to suck everyone off!"
"The devil made me do it! I'm possessed!"
"That is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a photo
shoot with my feet."
"Once upon a time, there was a little girl who believed that the moon was made of cheese, that hearts
were made of butterscotch, and that someday her prince would come. One day, while sick at home with a cold, curled up in front
of the television, a strange man burst in, drank all of her Neo-Citron, hogged the remote, shit on the carpet, and wiped his
ass with her flannel nighty. After that, she didn't believe in fairytales anymore."
"You're too young for a nose job. Wait till you're at least as old as Tori Spelling was."
"This is terrible. They know they're only supposed to drink at home. What am I going to do with them,
Officer?"
"Don't aim so low. I'd have asked for an elephant."
"Don't say that about your mother. Think it. But don't say it."
"Hey, wait a minute. Chaisin' Raisins was MY idea."
"Shelley Long was better!"
"I hope one day when you're a raisin, you'll look back on your days as a grape with regret."
"You know, Doctor, you can heal yourself just by eating right. Eight weeks to optimum health, I always
say."
"Can't a gay man be friendly with a straight man without everyone rolling their eyes?"
"Don't hate me for being animated."
"Oh please, Belize."
"I vowed that this time, I would show them! No. I'd show myself! No. I'd show them."
"He's not my boyfriend. I just want to fuck him."
"Now it was official. Granny Limp Dick was dead."
"You know what, Persephone? If you think that hat and blanket hide your fat, you're sadly mistaken.
You still look fat, just badly dressed and fat."
"I had never seen a pig so insulted in all my life."
"I realize that I hurt you, and I suppose an apology is in order. Now, I have never apologized to
any human being in my life, but you're a pig, so I guess it's all right. I'm sorry."
"As for Henry, nothing's changed. Exactly the same as he always was."
"It cut back to the coatroom. Tom and Bill were on the bed with their pants down, necking. The one
on the right had a monstrous shlong and the one on the left measured an inch and a half."
"Damn, I never did got to see his penis."
"His ass was completely flat. How could I have never noticed before."
"Then I got his underwear and began to dance."
"I was born on February 29, 1960, a leap year, thereby celebrating my birthday every four years. It
ws inevitable I would become a homosexual."
"I know it's petty, but I can't help but gloat that Whoppi Goldberg's book, Book, bombed. She
should have called it Whoppi Babylon."
"Some of my tales are not for the fainthearted. They may contain adult situations and language that
may not be appropriate for younger readers. In other words, it's rated NC-17, so if you are under seventeen and reading this
book, you're busted. All I ask is that you don't race ahead to the dirty parts, like I did with The Godfather."
"On the way, I was overwhelmed by memories as I visited each special place-the tree where I blew Johnny
Chevalier, the rock where I blew Maurice Legault, and the brook where I blew Bobby Bleu. These were memories that lit the
corners of my mind."
"And if you've just raced ahead to the dirty parts like I told you not to, go back, you brat."
"It's us again. We are fine. The weather is fine. Mother is fine."
"I'm sorry but I have a rule about dating creeps!"
"Kathie, listen to me...the proof is in the pasta."
"LISTEN BITCH ARE YOU FOR REAL?!!!"
"When I say manage, I mean the whole ball of wax. Pitching, catching, running, hair, wardrobe, attitude."
"She hates it when I write in French. I usually correspond in fag."
"If you think I'm going to make a pussy joke, you're sadly mistaken."
"She's a girl, and my friend...which technically makes her my girlfriend, if you want to be a stickler.
Girlfriend, girlfriend, fiance, wife...she's my wife. WEll, I'm sure I'm sorry."
"What? I was told they only live for six weeks, you know like sea monkeys."
"You don't become black by fucking rappers, believe me I tried."
"Well, I'm sure I'm sorry."
"Sure, when would be convient? ugh....Wednesday, I'm free."
"Besides, I get to study he woodland animals. I like the beaver, but the wolverine is my favourite,
only wants to kill for pleasure!"
"I pee through my penis!"
"Oh my! Thirty-five degrees in Tampa Bay! Sheez!"
"Oh what did you do? Chase some customers out of the store with a lamp?"
"I'll have to wash my hair in a puddle."
"That was abuse, pure and simple. Don't be suprised to see Brian and I on one of those daytime talk
shows, spilling the beans."
Jack Handey
"I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me
a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all
over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint."
"If you define cowardice as running away at the first
sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward."
"He
was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he
kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the
cowboy shot them."
"Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That
way he develops a good, lucky feeling."
"Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should call them 'impressions,'
and if you get a different 'impression,' so what, can't we all be brothers?"
"Instead of a trap door, what about a
trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."
"One
day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just
an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget
what he asked me."
"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you."
"Sometimes the beauty
of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who
hears me, because I am beautiful."
"Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance,
let's say you have chosen the nickname 'Fly Head.' Normally you would think that 'Fly Head' would mean a person who has beautiful
swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean 'having a head like a fly'? I'm
afraid some people might actually think that."
"Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night,
with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilizations out there? No cities, no factories, no people?
And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick
my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt."
"Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the 'Cricket Boy', because I would
have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, 'You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just
like everybody else.' Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house,
but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get
the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy."
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for
a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?"
"I can picture
in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect
it."
"I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought
he was nice, that he just didn't know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the
big white house. 'THAT'S MISTER SWENSON,' they said. Oh, my mistake."
"Don't ever get your speedometer confused with
your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are."
"Sometimes I think the world
has gone completely mad. And then I think, 'Aw, who cares?' And then I think, 'Hey, what's for supper?'"
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